After a little break for sanity sake, decided to give this another go. In addition to taking a rest from blogosphere and twitosphere,
I have been mulling over my own circumstance or as I like to refer to, my life.
Several months on dmards and TNF inhibitors has certainly improved quality of life for me but it is by no means as it was before and the constant reminder of this insidious disease often comes to my attention like a jackhammer.
I am forced everyday to make choices I never have had to make in the past. Some big choices, some small but nonetheless the bother of coming to a decision on these matters often fill my being. Do I buy the tuna in the pouch now that doesn’t taste as good but is easier to open? Do I try to do my own grocery shopping or ask my teenage daughter to take time away from being an um …teenager…. to do it for me? Do I mention to my husband just how horrible my feet and right thumb are feeling or will telling him do not much more then make him feel more sad and hopeless. Should I stay in bed all day today because everything hurts so much and risk being stiffer for doing so or should I get up and do housework and walk with the dogs and try an exercise tape and risk being immobile tomorrow?
Every day, more questions. I’m at a big one sort of right now. My doctor has offered to fill put the paperwork for a handicap sticker for my car. Feeling ambiguously about this is an understatement . I feel completely conflicted in this decision. I only have to bring to mind circling my sons little league field for what seemed like hours and plenty of empty handicapped spots only to end up way back in the grass and mud having to walk far more then my swollen knees should take me. Then I ask myself: what is really my main motivating factor in obtaining a sticker? Time and time again, the voice inside my head says “convenience ” and sorry Charlie that just isn’t going to cut the mustard. If I am going to label myself a cripple for the whole world to see, I want that to be number UNO . If I let anything else push my decision and that becomes number UNO, I fear I will become a portly, bitter, defeatist thinking I am entitled to something more then others type of person and I just haven’t reached that bridge yet . Not while I can still walk even if slowly, not when I can still type a blog and be a active even if that activity has changed a little. Thanks, but no thanks . Not ready for the label. Not ready for the defeatism . Not ready to proclaim my entitlement to the world.
Not just yet.
Addendum: due to some Internet harassment my old twitter acct is no more and my Facebook page is open to only close friends and family. Sorry for any inconvenience . Feel free to leave feedback on the blog and even contact me if you would like to do a guest blog spot on chronic diseases from either a patient, family or healthcare provider perspective