Am I Handicapped.? No, not yet at least

3 Jun


After a little break for sanity sake, decided to give this another go. In addition to taking a rest from blogosphere and twitosphere,
I have been mulling over my own circumstance or as I like to refer to, my life.

Several months on dmards and TNF inhibitors has certainly improved quality of life for me but it is by no means as it was before and the constant reminder of this insidious disease often comes to my attention like a jackhammer.

I am forced everyday to make choices I never have had to make in the past. Some big choices, some small but nonetheless the bother of coming to a decision on these matters often fill my being. Do I buy the tuna in the pouch now that doesn’t taste as good but is easier to open? Do I try to do my own grocery shopping or ask my teenage daughter to take time away from being an um …teenager…. to do it for me? Do I mention to my husband just how horrible my feet and right thumb are feeling or will telling him do not much more then make him feel more sad and hopeless. Should I stay in bed all day today because everything hurts so much and risk being stiffer for doing so or should I get up and do housework and walk with the dogs and try an exercise tape and risk being immobile tomorrow?

Every day, more questions. I’m at a big one sort of right now. My doctor has offered to fill put the paperwork for a handicap sticker for my car. Feeling ambiguously about this is an understatement . I feel completely conflicted in this decision. I only have to bring to mind circling my sons little league field for what seemed like hours and plenty of empty handicapped spots only to end up way back in the grass and mud having to walk far more then my swollen knees should take me. Then I ask myself: what is really my main motivating factor in obtaining a sticker? Time and time again, the voice inside my head says “convenience ” and sorry Charlie that just isn’t going to cut the mustard. If I am going to label myself a cripple for the whole world to see, I want that to be number UNO . If I let anything else push my decision and that becomes number UNO, I fear I will become a portly, bitter, defeatist thinking I am entitled to something more then others type of person and I just haven’t reached that bridge yet . Not while I can still walk even if slowly, not when I can still type a blog and be a active even if that activity has changed a little. Thanks, but no thanks . Not ready for the label. Not ready for the defeatism . Not ready to proclaim my entitlement to the world.

Not just yet.

Addendum: due to some Internet harassment my old twitter acct is no more and my Facebook page is open to only close friends and family. Sorry for any inconvenience . Feel free to leave feedback on the blog and even contact me if you would like to do a guest blog spot on chronic diseases from either a patient, family or healthcare provider perspective

9 Responses to “Am I Handicapped.? No, not yet at least”

  1. Lori Cee June 3, 2011 at 1:50 pm #

    Glad to see you are back. It was a nice surprise to receive the notification that your blog had been updated πŸ™‚ Look forward to hearing more about your journey!

  2. peacheyplanner June 3, 2011 at 7:40 pm #

    Glad your back! You’ve been missed!

    You should read this blog post from a lovely woman who had the same similar feelings with her RA. Its an inspiring story, tear-jerker, and just overall good.

    Take Care! xoxo Peachey

    • positivera June 3, 2011 at 8:11 pm #

      Thanks peachy I read the blog you recommended and it did really hit home. I have left her a comment. I don’t feel depressed or anxious about this disease but do admit the label and consequence of considering myself “disabled ” has effected my psychologically

      • peacheyplanner June 3, 2011 at 9:29 pm #

        Good for you! I think learning from each other is key to this disease. πŸ™‚

      • positivera June 4, 2011 at 4:12 am #

        Me too. Love your new blog!

  3. deborah murphy June 5, 2011 at 12:16 am #

    I can so relate to this blog post. Twelve years, four different rheumies suggesting i get one and I still refuse to get a handicapped sticker. I am not sure why I fight this either. I have to honestly admit there are days I can kick myself for not getting one. Why don’t I just get that little piece of paper completed (it is still collecting dust somewhere in my home) so I don’t have to walk and walk to get where I need to be…inside rather then blocks away. Yes, I can so relate. Reminds me of a rip tide..I’ll just swim a little further down the coast line until I can make it back to the shore. I just hope I can keep on “swimming” to overcome this rip tide. Or maybe I should just give in and dust off that little piece of paper.

    • positivera June 6, 2011 at 2:46 am #

      I have had a day recently I could kick myself for, yet I walked around the mall yeterday without issue. Good days bad days. I just don’t trust myself to not use it out of laziness . I’ve considered getting it and giving it to my husband and asking him to only relinquish to me when he sees I’m having a really bad day. Problems is sometimes they come on or go away suddenly. Fickle disease

      • deborah murphy June 6, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

        We aren’t lazy people and I know you aren’t lazy. You may be afraid of “giving in” to these disease by finally getting the disability sticker/card but sometimes we need that helping hand and it might be good to know it is there for us should we decide to use it.

  4. Robin June 5, 2011 at 9:13 am #

    I have one. It’s a safety net for me. It lives in my car and almost never gets used. Maybe once a year I feel that on that day I am entitled to use it, other then that I always think, not today! Today I can make it, I am just like everyone else!! It goes with my favorite motto. “better to have it and not need it, then to need it and not have it”.

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